Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
