How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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