im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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