Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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