I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You made out with two different species that night
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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