Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
