Tell her she can't have a vagina
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
