I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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