im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
