I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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