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I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
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