i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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