NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
