Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
he fucked my hip out of place.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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