did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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