The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
