On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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