I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
