my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
