mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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