You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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