We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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