So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
