It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
