I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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