Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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