I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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