there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
