U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
