sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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