the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
It's never too late to be topless.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
