i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Randomize
