Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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