My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
