Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
