I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
