Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
