Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We left the knife in your bed.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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