When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
