dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
