i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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