were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
