How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
