I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize
