I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
