You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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