I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
