I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize