I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
