Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
