did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
organizing the empties. That sober.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
