It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
