Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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