My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
