His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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