I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
