That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
