If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Randomize
