I didn't shave. On purpose
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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