Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
