I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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