I could make wine with my vomit
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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