hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Randomize
