I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
