just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
