I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Text me some of your sweat
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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