I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
